Relationships Survey #1 Answer

Recently I conducted a survey that asked one question: What is your greatest question regarding relationships? The response was immediate and somewhat overwhelming. I have done a number of surveys in the past, but never had the volume or the quality of response I go this time.

I got so many thoughtful responses that it was hard to categorize them. Over the next few weeks, I am anxious to visit all of the topics that came up. For instance, one of the less frequent questions was how do we know when to leave or end a relationship. Only 2 people asked that question, but it is so important that I will make a point to cover it either in my blog or in an upcoming call. So be watching for that.

Several responses were what I call “blame the mucus” questions. This is when we blame the other person and refuse to acknowledge the “swelling” of our own egos. I am even going to answer those.

So, what was the number one question about relationships? “Why do people change after they get into a relationship?” “What is it that happens to this wonderful person that I met and fell in love with who over time is transformed into seemingly another person who is far less desirable?” “Why does that initial love sometimes turn into disgust or hate?” One person even asked why people lie so much and hide the truth about themselves only to be found out later on in the relationship?

My answer may surprise you because it is so counter intuitive. But after years of marriage and relationship counseling, I can tell you that the two people who met and fell in love were actually the “real” people. There was no lying or pretense. The hideous truth is that after the relationship reaches a certain level of closeness that there is a primitive part of the brain that literally hijacks the relationship. This primitive part of the brain is called the limbic system. It is basically a hurt, angry, fearful, five-year-old that has an agenda of its own. It is all about fight or flight, anger/fear, survival and emotions. Until we confront this primitive part of our neurology, we are destined to have our relationships and our lives constantly disrupted.

So it is not that we are liars or that we misrepresent ourselves when we first fall for another. The problem is that there is something much more sinister and pervasive lurking inside of us that distorts our reality and takes over our situation.

Can we predict when this will happening in a relationship? Yes, it happens when the relationship moves from being casual to committed. In other words, when we get married or when we move in together, when the emotional distance closes and we find ourselves in “the relationship.” This often is right after the wedding. Sometimes the process is gradual, sometimes sudden. Sometimes these changes are triggered by the loss of a job or the death of a parent, when we can no longer hold back the emotional forces deep within our psyche.

The only way out of this condition is insight and personal growth. However, many people think the way out is to get out of the relationship only to find, ironically, that the next one has the same pattern – over and over.

Look for my blog post in a few days where I will be revealing the number two most frequently ask equation in the survey. Also, I will be conducting a Teleclass on Saturday, February 12th called “From Frustration to Fulfillment. The 3 Greatest Qualities of Successful Relationships.”

Click here to learn more about that class.